April 13, 2013

"This is too harmonious, grand and overwhelming a Universe to believe that it's all just an accident."

I can't believe the last time I wrote a blog post, was April 13, 2013. That is well over two years. So much has happened since that. So many things have changed, and yet...so many things have stayed the exact same.

 I used to write to help calm myself, to express myself. I've always used and loved positive quotes to help get me through difficult times, to help me feel and explain positive experiences. It seems that every quote I read I was able to relate it to something. I used to search the internet for websites that contained quotes: movie quotes, song lyrics, inspirational quotes...anything I could get my hands on that made me feel something. And that's when it hit me. I feel too much. I realized I'm one of those people...you know those people who are overly optimistic. I'm over the top emotional, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cry too much, I laugh and smile too much. I'm over board on almost everything I do, high energy, big voice, loud thoughts....but I like it. I wouldn't want to be any other way. 

I am over the top, over-flowing, about to explode. I feel everything from every angle, from every step. I take things personally, and I forgive easily. I believe in love and big love and believe in positive situations. I believe that things can ALWAYS be worse and it's important to stay positive. I believe....I guess that's just it. I believe in so much. 

And I used to not. I used to be jealous, and envious, and unhappy. I didn't like who I was or the world I was living in. Everyone I met was better then me. Girls were beautiful and thin, and in turn, that made me not beautiful. Friends were great at their job, and in turn, that made me horrible at mine. I had this brutal, unconfident thought process that literally destroyed every area of my life. It created a negative cloud over my head. I always put on a happy face, was always kind to others...but I felt as though I never stacked up. I was never good enough, and I was never going to be. Life was unfair. I felt sorry for myself.

What I needed to realize...was that just because 'she' is pretty, that doesn't make me not pretty. And just because 'she' was good at her job, didn't make me bad at mine. She could just be pretty, and so was I. And good at her job...because so was I. So what? As humans, we like to complicate things.

I still can't believe I spent so much of my life like that. My teen years and early 20's...feeling sorry for myself. I'm so blessed! Sometimes, when you're in so deep and it's up close to your face, in your head, it's so hard to see the big picture. That life is so grand and beautiful and full of possibility. I didn't see that and I was sad, every day. But what did I do? The moment I realized I was down...I was broken. I realized I got to rebuild myself. I built myself day by day, quote by quote, finding anything that made me feel better. Quotes that made me feel happy, quotes that made me feel loved, quotes that made me feel confident. And every day got better. I started writing, blogging, and every day a layer would come off, and a better, more happier me, would come alive.

It's in the moment of our breakdown, when were at the end of our rope, and it feels like we've hit rock bottom, that greatness is possible. For when you've fallen apart, you're given the opportunity to rebuild yourself, exactly as you like.

Confidence isn't easy. It's something that has to be worked on and built every day. I try to replace my 'confidence thoughts' with being welcoming, happy and friendy. I don't want to care how I look to others, I want to care about how I treat others, how I affect others, how I connect with others. I want to be myself, and I don't want to judge. I want to connect and take everyone in. I want to learn who they are, and see the good in them and all they have to offer.

As mentioned, I'm big on EMOTION, I'm big on feeling, on smiling, I'm big on everything. But not everyones like this. I get asked all the time - why I'm smiling, how I'm always so happy, how I have so much energy. Because I chose to be. When I wake up in the morning, I have CHOICE - and I choose to be happy, I choose to see the good. I make a conscious decision to be pleasant to others, to be a positive person. I've found some people might not like that, they will be negative, rude., they will avoid me at all costs..and that's ok. That's who they are, that's their story. I don't judge them. I just continue to be myself. As long as I'm comfortable with the person I'm being, then my world will keep on spinning.

The topic of being yourself, of confidence, of being kind, trying to impress others, trying to accept others, no judgement...this story comes to mind. I realized that this was during the peak time of trying to change my perspective. I was trying to not compare myself, to not deplete myself of my potential, to believe in myself...

I once applied for a job, and I didn't get it. A friend of mine worked there, and she pleaded my case 'she's so outgoing, always smiling, hard worker, she gets along with everyone, she has so much experience.' But her co-worker said, I'm sorry, she just didn't 'sparkle.' Now...a few months later, they were in desperate times, they were about to open, they were under staffed and they needed people ASAP - so my friend called me and I started work the next day. What happened from there? I was ignored, avoided, I wasn't one of the 'special girls' to them. So I just kept working anyways. I didn't need to be special, I didn't need to be noticed. I didn't need to 'sparkle' in their eyes. This was just a job...

I just kept working. I was myself. I greeted guests who came in the store, I was outgoing with fellow staff, I worked hard, and was always on time, neat and tidy in my sections, I was me - I was good at what I wanted to be good at, and I worked hard because it was my job. I was there to work. And what happened a few months in? They loved me. I was constantly praised, told how great I was with people, how good I was in every section. They offered me higher positions, more training....and what did I do? After 3 months I quit. That job wasn't for me...BUT - the reason for this story, is because I didn't get the job in the first place because I didn't 'sparkle.' Just because I didn't sparkle or stand out to one person doesn't make me not special, or not good enough. First impressions can be hard, and every person you meet is different and expecting different things. We all make judgements first hand, and I'm sure she made hers about me. 

So what? I didn't stand out. I wasn't 'special enough' or I didn't 'sparkle enough'.  I could've let this get to my head, that I wasn't as GOOD as the other girls who were hired before me...but instead, I continued on. I worked my job, and continued being me. Outgoing, smiles a lot, always talking, friendly, warming, welcoming...and sparkly. And just as expected, they started to notice. I didn't ask them to notice - I just didn't let their original judgements of me take over my performance. That's what happens...when we feel judged, or intimidated, or threatened, or jealous...'insert other negative emotions' - we hide. We change. We compare and we get sad. But I didn't want to go down that road...I just wanted to continue on. I CHOSE to be happy. I CHOSE to be outgoing. I CHOSE to be positive. Every day....you have a choice.

And remember that you do sparkle. Every one does in their own way. Others don't need to see it, you don't need to impress anyone. You just need to love yourself. You need to make a choice on what will make you happy. You don't have to be over the top positive and emotional, you don't have to cry at commercials like me, you just have to realize that life is happening, and the life you want is possible, and every morning you are given a choice -- to be thankful - a fresh start to be YOU and decide on how you want to act, and how you want to affect others. You have a CHOICE - always. 

Because you are special. You sparkle. You are different. You are wonderful. You are great. And you are full of endless possibilities. And repeat...